Everyone is Getting Older

Are you wasting time?

Everyone is getting older. A simple yet harrowing fact of life. You don’t stop to think about what that means when you’re a kid, when you’re so wrapped up in wanting that “taste of freedom” you’re certain you’ll get at age sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one. You don’t realize until you see an old photograph or video, when you notice how much time has passed that it really hits you—or at least that’s what happens to me. This year is a year of many big milestones. My friends and I are turning thirty, my mom is turning sixty-five, my dad is turning seventy and I’m getting married. These are all good milestones that should and will be celebrated but part of me can’t help but feel sad. Everyone is getting older.

I’m very lucky to say that both of my parents are still here. I’m very lucky to say that all of the most important people in my life are still here, but I’m very aware of the fact that that will change. Death is inevitable. It’s the one thing you cannot hide or runaway from. The one thing that doesn’t care how rich you are, how loved you are, your skin color, your sexual orientation—it comes for everyone. Death and time go hand in hand with each other. “I wish we had more time.” The universal sentence when it comes to death.

Last summer I was in Rhode Island with my family, our annual summer vacation. We go to the same beachfront hotel every year, eat at the same restaurants, play the same games, and always make new memories. It was our third day there and the waves were bigger than they’ve been in years—mainly thanks to a storm coming. My family and I love the ocean so when we saw these types of waves, we didn’t hesitate. Running to the water, me with my boogie board in hand, the eagerness to catch a good wave coursing throughout our bodies. My mom was the only one who didn’t run in. Instead, she walked carefully to the shoreline and contemplated. “What do you think?” she called out to us. “Just come in!” We all said, too distracted from our adrenaline to really think about it.

Have you ever had a gut feeling? An instinct alerting your body like a fire alarm but you’re not sure if the alarm is simply for practice or the real thing? I had a gut feeling that day. She shouldn’t be in here. I thought to myself as I watched my mom walk into the ocean, boogie board in hand as the waves crashed into each other, one after another, after another. The water was rough, a little too rough for her to be in but I didn’t listen to my gut feeling. I didn’t speak up and tell her maybe she shouldn’t come in. Instead, I ignored it.

I don’t know how long we were in the water before the accident happened. I remember catching a wave, riding it in and when I stood up to go back in for more, I saw my dad helping my mom up and a lot of blood. She was in complete shock, her eyes wide. We walked her back to our beach chairs, I grabbed a towel, pressing it against her nose to help stop the bleeding. A woman on the beach who happened to be a nurse came over to us, asking if she could help (thank god for people like her). I kept my composure throughout all of it. I kept it when I called 911, kept it as I watched them put her into the ambulance on a stretcher, kept it on the drive to the hospital, kept it while we waited for hours, I even kept it together when my mom’s results were finally in and they told us she broke her neck but they weren’t sure how serious it was yet. It wasn’t until I was completely alone—that’s when I finally broke down.

“Each day isn’t one more, it’s one less. Act like it.”

I could’ve lost her that day. I could’ve looked over at my parents and have seen a completely different scene. The reality is, it doesn’t matter that everyone is getting older—death doesn’t have an age requirement. When I find myself getting annoyed with my loved ones, when I find myself taking them for granted I have to pull myself out of it because yes, maybe we don’t have as much time as we want but at least we have the time now. But like with most things, it’s easier said than done. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the everyday struggles of life that you lose focus, put the most important things in life on the back burner. What are the most important things in life? It’s different for everyone. For me, it’s my relationships. The people in my life who make me whole, my village.

I catch myself sometimes, preparing for the worst. When I can’t get rid of the bad thoughts popping through my head so I decide to lean into it, hoping it will help. I create eulogies in my head that make me sob and throw off my entire day. I ask myself what the hell I’m doing as I wipe the tears away. How does that help? I saw a quote the other day that really struck me, it was almost as if the universe was trying to tell me something and these days when the universe shows any types of signs, I listen.

“Don’t borrow grief from the future.”

What is the point? Why torture yourself? Why am I torturing myself? Creating eulogies in my head of people who are very much alive. I cannot prepare. No, I cannot prepare for the dreadful day, days, weeks, months, years that will come but I can do something better. I can pick up the phone and talk to my loved ones, walk two houses down to see my best friend, get into my car and drive to see my family. I can utilize the time that we have, now. I will not waste it. Being able to spend time with someone you love whether for five minutes, five hours, five days, or five years is such a gift. How lucky am I to have people in my life that I’m terrified to lose. I need to soak it all in, capture every moment, create new memories, use the time I have wisely and lovingly.

Yes, everyone is getting older—do not waste any time.

Thank you for being here,

Jess